Taming the Guilt Monster: The Working Mum's Guide
If you had £1 for every time you felt working mum guilt, you could retire early! That nagging sense of never doing enough or always letting someone down – it's a common struggle. But you don't have to let it control your life.
I hear so many women say “I just feel so guilty because ….” and then they add something that is nearly always about someone else and how they feel and it’s usually always in relation to time.
Understanding the Guilt Trap
Why does working mum guilt hit us so hard? Here are some common culprits:
Societal Expectations: We're bombarded with images of mums who seem to have it all together, making us feel like we're not measuring up.
Internalised Pressure: We may hold ourselves to impossibly high standards, fueled by a desire to be the "perfect" mum, the "perfect" business owner and the “perfect” leader or boss.
Fear of Judgment: We worry about what others might think of our choices, even when those judgments are mostly in our head.
When I first became a single parent I quickly realised I had two children: my 4 year old daughter and 6 year old business. Juggling both and trying to put on the brave “I’m doing great” and “Check me out, I’m Ms Independent” face on resulted in burnout and then horrendous guilt. Guilt that I wasn’t able to play all the time with my daughter and guilt that I wasn’t getting all my work finished, and that I was letting people down.
Strategies to Tame the Guilt
Over the years, it’s taken a lot of self care and boundaries being put into place for me to tame the inner guilt monster. Here’s some tools to try the next time it appears:
Challenge Your Assumptions: Are the thoughts you're having based on reality? Or are you caught in a cycle of negative self-talk? Try to see things from a more balanced perspective. What is REALLY true?
Focus on Your "Why": What are the reasons you work? Remind yourself of how your job benefits your family and contributes to your own well-being.
Celebrate Your Wins: Take time to acknowledge your accomplishments, both at work and as a mum. Those small victories matter so celebrate putting the washing away!
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself as you would a close friend. Know that you're doing the best you can with the resources you have.
Connect with Other Working Mums: Knowing you're not alone can be immensely powerful. Find your tribe and share the challenges and victories.
When I stopped blaming myself for not keeping up with the household chores and was able to stand back and look at the bigger picture, the guilt started to fade. Yes the house was untidy at times, yes my daughter spent time on her own whilst I had to work from the otherside of the room, but she was happy, she never went without and I was doing it. I was getting through each day and I was making progress - even if that was picking the pile of clothes off the floor. I was doing ok and we were ok.
Reframing Guilt as a Guide
Guilt, though uncomfortable, can be a useful guide! Pay attention to when it flares up:
Is it a sign of misaligned priorities? Maybe you need to re-evaluate your workload or set clearer boundaries.
Does it highlight a value you hold dear? Use that awareness to make conscious choices that align with your family's needs and your own.
Journal Prompts for you to try
What are my biggest guilt triggers?
How can I reframe my guilty thoughts into more positive and supportive ones?
In what ways can I celebrate my wins, big and small, as a working mum?
Remember, you're doing an amazing job. Ditch the guilt and embrace the journey!